Outta the way, Detroit Lions!

The whistle in the chubby ref's mouth blew weakly, signaling the end of our game, and marked the end of our intramural soccer season.

Soccer's just one of the three intramural sports (the others being basketball and flag football) that I've participated in over the last two quarters. Now I've enjoyed immensely the opportunity to play with my fellow classmates and to try out different sports, but we sucked so badly that I think we have redefined sports futility to the point that I actually think we're worst than the Detroit Lions. I think numbers speak louder than words, so I will now present some statistics:

Flag football 0-6
Basketball 0-6
Soccer 1-5
for a combined total of 1-17, or  0.056 winning percentage

Granted the numbers would have been prettier had they not let every single team, even the really really really bad ones play in the playoffs (0-3), we were possibly worse than the numbers showed.

Other embarrassing stats include the number of times the mercy rule was invoked and the result of the game declared before the time has run out, with us on the "oh please have mercy on us" side every time. The mercy rule is defined differently for each sport, but the general idea is to not embarrass the losing team too much, as well as to save time for everyone involved (both teams, spectators, refs, etc), time that could be better spent doing things like smacking themselves in the face and/or other activities more enjoyable than participating in such a horrible match. More specifically, for flag football, the mercy rule is invoked when a team is up by more than 21 points (or 3 scores) with 3 minutes left; for basketball, 20 points with 3 minutes left; and for soccer, 5 goals with 3 minutes left. You are welcome to correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure I'm more experienced at this than you are.

So the number of times we had the mercy rule invoked on us, if memory serves me correctly, is twice in football, twice in basketball, and once in soccer, for a whopping 27.8% of the games we played. That means that for the same amount of money (oh that reminds me, I don't think I've paid the basketball fees yet), we played less than everyone else played!

Last but not least, the single most telling statistic of general athletic incompetence, the ratio of scores. What is this? Well this is the ratio of the number of points we scored on the opposing team, to the number that we scored on us. You read that right, as if we don't suck more than monica lewinsky already, we actually scored on ourselves.

In football, this was 6:1. We scored on ourselves by running a play out of the back field when we were backed into our own end zone.
In basketball, thankfully, this ratio was infinity.
In soccer, this was 4:1.  For the record, my only two shots-on-goal throughout the entire season were on our own goal (though not intentionally). Thankfully our goalie did not suck as much as I did and was able to stop me both times.

They should make awards for suckiness in intramural sports. We'd sweep the awards. I gotta say though, I am most disappointed about basketball as that was the one sport that I could actually play. *sigh*. Next quarter I think we're trying out softball.. should be interesting.